Beginning Again… and Again and Again and Again

I am a beginner. At everything. Even myself. All over again.

I’ve said it before, life is a game of chutes and ladders. We go up, down, alllllllll the fuck around.

And it is humbling. These practices I’ve instilled in my body, mind, spirit, LIFE. It’s like I’m at the threshold once more, looking into the vastness of the rest of my life… an expanse of time and space, if I’m lucky.

Birth tears us apart in every sense. My core and pelvic floor are learning how to activate, how to function, as if I’m the baby who just entered the world.

My breath is finding a new path because a few months out I recognize that I have been holding it in vigilance, as if my body has determined that an exhale might make me too relaxed, incapable of handling any surprise thrown my way. And every moment is something new.

My muscles have been braced, they’re holding on for dear life to an invisible handle. I might blow away in the chaos otherwise.

Flexibility, mobility, strength, regulation, a clear mind, deep connection to spirit… it feels like it’s all gone. It’s as if the last decade of my life and what it was filled with has disappeared. Like I’ve never had any kind of practice.

But I know that’s not true. My practice is what kept me calm, clear, and connected to my body when I was fortunate enough to have the birth I wanted, and was granted the opportunity to feel every single thing and be connected to all womb-bearers who have come before me and will come after. It is what has allowed the most overwhelming, heart-breaking, powerful LOVE to pulse through me and from me amidst the absolute insanity of caring for someone so helpless yet so perfect when anger, frustration, resentment knock at the door constantly.

And it is what drives me to begin again, begin anew.

The entirety of the Yoga Sutra emphasize this - beginners mind. Approach each breath, each moment, absent of an imprinted mind… so all that we do is for the first time, in a sense. The Bhagavad Gita emphasizes this - do for the sake of doing that your heart calls for. It is the practice itself, the action itself, that is the bridge between divine and human.

Often in trainings or in deep study, the third book of the Yoga Sutra is ignored. This is because - I think - of the (mis)understanding that all it discusses are yogic powers, the seemingly supernatural-like capacities that arise from practice. We pay no heed because we’re not into yoga for the superstitions. We’re clearly in it for the skin-tight pants and Instagrammable poses [GUILTY].

But that is not what it is really about. It is a warning. It states, to incredibly oversimplify, to beware of buying into the “gifts” of the practice. They lead us to believe, mistakenly, that we are done. So we stop practicing. Not only do we lose the abilities once granted we lose our place on the path towards the ultimate offering. Freedom.

We churn the ocean for the sake of churning. Whatever arises arises and it does so because of the churn. Churning stops, natural results of churning stop. Simple equation really.

So yeah. I’m not going to lie. It sucks right now to struggle with putting on my pants standing up when once upon a time I could stand on my hands.

We are always at the threshold. The threshold of where we’ve been and where we’re going.

Between where I’ve been and where I’m going is where I am. This is a breath. This is a moment.

In this moment I am the queen of 1 minute workouts and 3 breath meditations. Of stretching while holding toys above the head of an infant. Of accepting a walk around the block as better than a day spent entirely inside.

Of honoring what practice looks like now, rather than gripping to the memory of what once was.

Churning little churns.

Practice takes us where we want to go. It’s only a matter of time.

I know where practice can carry me. I know that where I’ve been, where I’m going, and where I am are kind of always the same thing and also always in flux.

With this new practice (once more) consistently as my where I’ve been I’m excited about what it means for where I’m going, because in the end practice is practice and what matters is the DOING. If we take steps we get closer and that’s all there is to it.

So here’s to the tiptoeing, the crawling, the forward and backward pulse, the pause, the continuous shifts of maintaining our practice of life day to day, little by little, again and again.

Churn baby churn <3