More more more

Why is it always more more more?

What am I hungry for, really, at the bottom of it all? What feels lacking?

Slow. Still. Sometimes I conflate these energies with stagnation. With lack.

What has made us - me - so averse to gentle, ease, calm, steady?

It’s as if I cannot always trust that unless I force them, good things will not happen, things will not work out.

It’s easy to be wound up. There’s always something to be distracted by.

Constantly looking, rarely seeing.

I like to do work, I like to pour everything into creation when I have a vision.

But I don't want to be so gripped that I stop breathing. So wired that I’m constantly scanning my NEVER-ENDING list of chores because I should get one more thing done.

Nothing is ever enough, because there could always be more.

What if I just sat here and watched the babe try to push herself to standing from a squat? If I just listened to the wind bustle through the dry October leaves, the ones still left on branches? If I just slowly drink tea as I wait for evening classes to begin?

Nothing. Well, maybe not nothing. Presence. Appreciation. Recognition of aliveness. This awesome awe-full notion of existence and consciousness that we continuously create but forget we are creating so we feel dragged by the current rather than enjoy hanging out in our sweet floatie with sunglasses on just watching the world be the world.

Even though I rationally know better, I think some deep lizard-brain part of me believes that if I slow down I won’t be able to have the life I dream of or achieve the goals I aim for because I’m not BUSY BUSY BUSY and really there is always something to do so why am I not doing it?

This is why I must practice. It is the only true reminder I can give myself to slow down, to chill out, to smell the roses in the midst of the very real chaos of life. I feel so far away from everything, especially myself, when I don’t.

To pulse in and out of both energies, motion and stillness, noise and quiet, is to reset, to conjure, to decide, to intentionally act. Otherwise it’s nothing more than a merry-go-round and I’m just hanging on trying not to puke.

If you’re lost, weary, overwhelmed, my only suggestion is - practice. Whatever that looks like for you. To practice is to remember, to hold space for alignment, to connect to the highest aspects of self.